What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?
Wears Waldo.
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
I just got banned from /r/fashion
Apparently they didn't like my threads
Do you need an ark?
I Noah guy.
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi…..
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
You don’t need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can fall asleep with a light on.
People think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, “I can stop whenever I want.”
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
When mom walks in…
When mom walks in…
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t…
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far…
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
No text found
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"