What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
synonym rolls
Why was Ben 10 considered so powerful?
Because the previous kid was Ben Nine in comparison.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
Michael Jackson, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Elvis all walk in to a 7-eleven
You wouldn’t believe it, that store was dead.
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.
https://ift.tt/2NQdAEZ
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
Browsing an animal themed subreddit hopping for good vibs starterpack
Browsing an animal themed subreddit hopping for good vibs starterpack
I put all my watches together to make a belt
It was a waist of time
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?
A Plagueround
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?” She said “you’re fuckin ugly”
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
What’s the cheapest meat? Deer balls.
They're under a buck.
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."