What does a vegan zombie eat?
When it turns into a driveway.
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
it can write other words too
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
No text found
Then she did and my day was ruined.
Remains to be seen.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
No text found
I got bored one day (horny kind of bored) and thought about reading an erotica. Not really what I'm used to, but I decided to give it a try. I came across a fan-fiction based on the Harry Potter series and started there. I couldn't believe it. It turned out to be really arousing, and actually quite entertaining. Page after page I was getting closer and closer to my climax, yet I couldn't stop reading and found myself getting really tied into the story. Every sentence and every paragraph in every chapter had me so turned on. Until a chapter that took place in a cell in Azkaban, where Harry started passionately kissing his godfather. My libido extinguished immediately, and all sexual desire gone. I just couldn't continue. It was too absurd. I mean come on Harry. You can't be fucking Sirius!
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
But the other 2 are
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
Right where you left him.
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
The second one is a repost.
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
Well the flag is a big plus
Because he keeps breaking the record.
He sits down and orders 3 beers. “You know, you don’t have to order these all at once – I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender. “Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin together,” and he chugs them all down. Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers. The bartender’s heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers. “Im so sorry,” he says, “did one of your brothers pass?” “Of course not, they’re fine!” says the Irishman, “I’ve just quit drinkin!”
and she asked “Dad, why don’t you just use a sponge?”
Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit…I'm a little bit proud of myself.)
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
When the doctor asks what the problem is, the house replies, "I have panes all over."
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
I think I’ll stick to raisins.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
If you haven’t botany?
It was here a minute ago.
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."