What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
I just wrote an article trying to compare different versions of The Bible.
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
Why does the Prime Minister keep all his meetings post noon?
Because he is a PM, not an AM
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
Dad: *Rubs couch* “Is this satin?”
Mom: "It's clearly not." Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
What’s the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse
but she was just pulling my leg.
Sexual position of the day
The Brexit – you promise to pull out but you don’t
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
What do websites and people have in common?
They both use cookies to improve their performance
Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things…
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
