What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited?
“I’m pumped”.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said…
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
My car really whips the llama’s ass! (excuse the dirt, it rained a bit this morning)
https://ift.tt/2SdIw5C
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal. Me: My truck.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
What does a panda use to make pancakes?
A pan…duh
How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, she asked me if I win often
I said no, the cars are much faster
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap. Son: But, Mom! I'm blind! Mom: Exactly.
where are noses made?
at the ol factory
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
They are Santa's star bucks
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
Yes it is.
A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.
Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
Why dont chickens insult each other?
They dont like getting roasted
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
I’m so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed