What does an Italian terminator say
I tell dad jokes sometimes
At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
Science teacher are bad with children
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
What do you call a sleeping bull?
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
Found this one in its natural habitat.
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
Somethings Are Just Better Said With An Eyeroll 🙄
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
At least the toddler is putting in some effort.
Want to hear a clean joke
I bought a wooden whistle
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
Painful but yet helpful
A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.
She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks" The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added… "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."
Sad Analogue Noises
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
I heard a little pun the other day
It wasn't fully groan
This is just facts
Murica right now
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
My dad texted me this and said “lolololol”, Corona virus meme 😂
If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
Suicide by Homicide
What is the abbreviation for “we have a thing”
No text found
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
And that’s how I learned that rowCount !== rows.count
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
My friend did a PhD in palindromes…
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
Trump as captain of the Titanic. [In his own words, with links]
Give that anti-vaxxer in your life something special this holiday!
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Ho ho ho
I don’t know what it is about the straight response but I find it hilarious
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
Why do we even have it?
They are this dumb.
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
The three unwritten rules of life
1. 2. 3.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Social media bad
When you can’t find a 2
Seen this flag flying a lot lately at quarantine protests… gentle reminder.
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
Irony knocking at the gate
Always taking the low road Repugs …
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
Found on im14andthisisdeep, but it looks like more of a boomer thing
Hahaha …. aaaaaahh :(
Code works anyway, deploy it
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
Stupid questions don’t exist only stupid answers
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
Windows 10 is a good punishment dude…….
Climate change is a hoax!
A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”
His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”