What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book … and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey, it's because you're twenty-three"
You all must have heard about the man who invented the knock knock joke.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
Arranged marriage
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird…But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “First girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “Second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” The guy said “I am marrying the one with the biggest boobs”.
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?" "Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?" "I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
What is Yoda’s last name?
Lay hee hoo
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
42M with toilet paper seeking female with hand sanitiser …
… for some good clean fun
A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.
A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch. The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey. He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further. “What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture. “Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly. The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?” The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture. “Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement. The cop looks in the back and asks. “What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air. “So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head. Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?” Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.
So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
[NSFW] So yesterday I went out side and punched a white person, I was charged with assault, today I went outside and punched a black person…
…I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A FIZZician
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
“I went on a date with a girl to Yo Sushi,” said my buddy.
"How was it?" I asked. "Oh, you know…when one things lead to another…" he said coyly. "Yes," I replied. "That's called the conveyor belt."
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
