What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me …." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord…?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done…." They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Because she couldn't ketchup
If you can’t come let me know
The water, because the butane is lighter fluid.
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine
One cold winter’s morning a tramp was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father – the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire. "How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price – I'm a wealthy man." "Ahem, well …" stammered the tramp "…eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out" "Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet. "Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars – but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe" "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life – that will be plenty". "Well, if you insist" says the father – "now what will you do with your money?" "Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday" "Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home. "Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in – much to the disgust of the staff – and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. "Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp. "Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?" "Oh lots – anything up to ten dollars" "TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously. "Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday – I'll probably never get another chance – isn't there anything you can do?" "Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check" The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There – to her amazement – she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday – its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise – and it costs ten dollars" "Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it" The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting. A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct. "Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin" The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship – and what a ship! The tramp had never in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this. First they went doen through the first class level: Oriental carpets – 6" pile. A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep. and so on… 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with, a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing…" "Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night – when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night – he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen… Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived…. …and what a dive…! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain – who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp – was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen …." He broke off. "Hey, I've an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk. "O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "O.K." agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb…. up and up … up and up … higher and higher … below him the ship grew smaller … up and up … on and on … past a solitary albatross … and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below … still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink… and higher, ever higher … on and on …. higher, and higher, and on and on towards the diving board, He climbed on top and radioed the captain …. and then… he jumped . slowly at first but speeding up faster, and faster and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster… past the albatross, faster double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!" The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove… NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN…! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL………. SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping…. Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT! And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. "Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen" The tramp blushed. The captain went on: "But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived – how did you do it." And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see I'm a poor tramp so you must understand… I've been through many a hardship in my life"
A lot of conditioning
I didn't get the job.
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
It was about time.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
But my kids are still here.
Lunch is on me
I stopped seeing her for a while.
The madam of a whore house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in Rabbi’s garb.
"May I come in?" asked the Rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But Rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we…" "I know what you do here," interrupted the Rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The Rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The Rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the Rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The Rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me – Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The Rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The Rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless." "Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the Rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the Rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the Rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is fifteen hundred dollars.”
But I don't think there's an end to it.
because it was soda-pressing!
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."