What does Jesus and a floppy disk have in common?
They both died to become the icon of saving
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?” The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi. “What did he say?” asked the man. He said, “Funny you should come to me…”
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.” Guy says “This is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.”
Bartender says “Sure… If you say so. Now please leave.” Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.” Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?” Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.” Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!” Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth” Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!” Guy and dog leave. Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
My uncle used to breed and sell parakeets…
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom…
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
What sneakers to pedophiles wear?
White Vans
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I’m a cop
I go under cover.
I’ve been asked out by 20 women today…
I was in the ladies bathroom.
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
If one person has to go to the bathroom, they have to pee
If two or more people have to go to the bathroom, they have to queue
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
