What does “kayak” sound like upside down?
"Blblblblblvllgllgl"
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn’t tell the kids…
He gives them a clue. “It’s what your mom calls me!”. The son yells, “it’s a fucking dick don’t eat it!”
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
Tried calling the tinnitus helpline…
But it just kept ringing.
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.” “So what is it then?” she asked. I said, “Its a OnePlus.”
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church requesting for the priest. "Father, pls come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery". They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What About The Two At The Gate? Let's get them". You should see the marathon. The priest almost ran past the church gate shouting: "Please no! We are not dead yet".
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
It snowed last night…
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?
Sorry, wrong sub
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
What is a geographers favourite genre of music?
World music
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!" St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" God says, "Yep." Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole. Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history. St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?" God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?
Because blonde men are stupid too.
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
oh its very racist, but against peple who dont matter, so its ok.
Wandering around during meetings in homeoffice when you have nothing to contribute like
https://ift.tt/2UdXfi7
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Halloween teens Party
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."