What does Keanu Reeves use to dry his tears when Keanu Grieves?
Keanu Sleeves
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
Jeff Bezos is getting divorced
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
Local zoo stopped giving tests
Too many Cheetahs
People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot
Then why did the plane crash?
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
I just saw some idiot at the gym
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.
Until she checked the freezer.
Truly ‘‘twas a pity when William Pitt died
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You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it
If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be…
How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, “I’d like to trade places with Donald Trump!”
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day. So they ask Trump, he obliges. Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?" The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
