What does Keanu Reeves use to dry his tears when Keanu Grieves?
Keanu Sleeves
♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫
I just sang about eight bars.
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
To the one who stole my glasses,
I'll find you. I have contacts.
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
I was once addicted to soap.
Now I’m clean.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?
Twobearculosis.
Whatever you do, don’t let anybody walk over you.
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
No text found
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
The arenDeli.
A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption…
She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple. "There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed. The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
What’s the opposite of soup?
Sodown
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
A man is fired from his job at the pickle factory NSFW
A man comes home from his job at the pickle factory. “Honey, I got fired today for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer.” Wife: “My God! What’s happened?” Husband: “She got fired too”
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
I for one…
Love Roman numerals
