What does one call it when a person has too many enemies?
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
They gave me another one, free of charge.
"Use the fork Luke"
so, being a fan of Undertale, i know a skeleton of skelepuns. lemme tell ya, they’re all rib ticklers.
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
My cremation is going to be epic.
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
Well I’ll be damned.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
Come see, come saw
You spend too much time on the web
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
One turns to the other and says "what kind of music are you into?" The other one replies "I'm a big metal fan"
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
"Do you smell carrots?"
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore.. They should yell "Donald, duck!"
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
Because they have no body to go with.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
That way I can set my own hours.
Pretty nuts, if you ask me.
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
You use a sea saw!
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
One gent stops to discuss the matter: “See here, Sister- it’s really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?” “Most certainly not!” the nun says, blushing. “Well listen- wouldn’t it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?” The nun thinks about it, then says- “Perhaps you’re right.” “Okay! Now we’re talking! What would you like to try?” “I’ve heard something about a… Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon.” “Comin’ right up, Sister!” The guy walks in and orders a Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon. The bartender goes- “A Fuzzy Navel with a twist of le— IS THAT NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?!?”