What does one stick of butter say to another stick of butter when they meet in a bar?
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
Why are tigers always honest?
Because they aren't lion
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
My grief counselor died today.
Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking
Which means our women will be driving
In the early 1900’s, a number of protests arose because of employment of children in coal mines.
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
Footage of trump preparing for rally
https://ift.tt/3dmaDqK
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
Why don’t you see brown envelopes in the mail anymore?
Because everyone knows white mails get through the system faster.
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.