What does the clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Dear whoever stole my disc copy of Microsoft office
I will find you. You have my Word.
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just a paramedics
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missle toes.
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars
My dad’s birthday is today (12/14/45). To him and all other dads and dad-like figures out there…
….thank you for the dad jokes. They may not all make us die laughing and some we've heard you tell a million times over, but the one thing they have in common is that they're told in kindness and they put a little smile on our faces. And living in this crazy world, that's a very good thing. I love you dad.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It was just lowercase.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
Two antennas got married last weekend
It wasn’t much of a wedding but the reception was wonderful.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
No text found
My wife says that i dont give her enough privacy
At least that's what she said in her diary.
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on “How to identify if a guy is gay”.
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist
His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me." "Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri. The Communist then turns to another friend. "Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me." "No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven," says Petya. "Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day." "Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace," says Misha. "Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years," says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon." His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says. "And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass." Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath. So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting: "Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: “A dove should not be friends with a donkey.” “Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?” “The gold.” “I don’t agree. I would choose cleverness, because that’s more important than money.” “Everyone would choose what they don’t have” says the student. The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: “Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times…
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
Why did the bowling alley close down?
The staff went on strike.
My dad was showing me how to use a bow
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."
Wife: honey I’m pregnant, we’re going to have our first kid
Husband, with tears in his eyes: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
A new Navy recruit on his first day posted in A Submarine …
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.