What does the horse say after falling?
“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up”
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic 🙁
A man goes for confession …
The priest says “Tell me son why are you here” “Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied. The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “ “Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied. “This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied. The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
iron told carbon a joke so funny…
that he decided to steel it
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house. Knock Knock. Who's there? Bawk Bawk Bawkaw
“This egg carton has a barncode.”
https://i.redd.it/q7jnircmftq41.jpg
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
I bought a dog from a Blacksmith the other day…
I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
What is 5Q + 5Q?
You're welcome.
And they’re going to use AI to take over the world
And they’re going to use AI to take over the world
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Why is it so dark in the Apple factory?
They have no windows.
I teach high school English and this is my go to:
Student: “Hey can you check this to see if it’s right?” Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: “well, first of all, it’s written upside down.” And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
My son said he coloured himself with a highlighter pen from the neck upwards during work today.
I think it's a bold-faced lie.
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
A midget walks into a brothel NSFW
A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the head mistress for a woman for the evening as his wife had left him. She says "sure thing but I gotta ask, what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?". He says "well, my wife found a genie's lamp and her first wish was a home fit for a queen and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever and so she got this very well behaved donkey". The mistress asks about the third wish and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee. She says "well that doesnt sound so bad". "It wouldn't be that bad except I used to be 6' 3".
The guy who invented knock-knock jokes…
…should get a NO – BELL prize.
why cant you hear the pterodactyl pee
because its dead
My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital.
I named him Carson.
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.