What does this caption even mean?
Lunch is on me
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
Personally I’m on the fence.
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than ten seconds. The man asks one of the angels there about the strange wall. The angel responds:"Each clock in this room represents a country back on Earth. You see, each clock has the country's name written on the hand, and each time a person from that country commits a sinful act, the hand on said clock goes forward a bit. The bigger the country the bigger the clock." Intrigued by this, the man seeks out the clock of his own country, Canada. And what do you know, there it is, going forward one step at a time. He looks at all the other clocks, like Russia, the biggest if them all. Right next to Russia is tiny Estonia, and next to that Finland, Sweden and Norway, all going steadily forward, almost simultaneously. But one clock is missing. The man asks the angel, "Where is the American clock? I thought it would be pretty big, but I can't see it anywhere." The angel responds:"Ah yes, that one. An arrangement was made to have that one transferred to hell." The man asks:"Huh? Why is that?" To which the angel responds:"It's being used as the ceiling fan in the smoking room."
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
I call it Carbon Dating.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
It’s all over town.
He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard." The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad." "Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard." "My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed." The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard." The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries." The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house." The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?" The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
Gimli laughs and walks under it
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees. "All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time." The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away. "What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
Looking at it now, I see why.
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
But I think people should romaine calm.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
"Father, father!" he says to the farmer, "This subreddit is amazing! It's full of so many good jokes, I wish I could be just as funny as all the redditors I've seen." The farmer laughs at his son and tells him, "Son, if you really want to be like the redditors on r/Jokes you'll have to first sow your Ohsts." His son looks at him, perplexed. "What on earth are 'Ohsts'? I've never seen you with those." "I know you've heard the saying 'you reap what you sow', and the same saying applies reddit," the farmer tells his son. "Those redditors just sow their Ohsts so they can reap Ohst, reap Ohst, and reap Ohst."
The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane. The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane. The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of the plane. The guys land, and they’re walking around town. They see a girl crying and ask her why shes crying “An apple came down and killed my cat” she said They walk some more and see a boy crying He said “a lemon came down and killed my dog” They then came across a kid laughing really hard. He said “I farted and the guy behind me exploded”