What does this caption even mean?
A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
A magician worked on a cruise ship…
….the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot… They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….."Alright, good one but i can't take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???"
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
My wife is a body builder.
Yep, she’s pregnant.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Yes.
Is time travel possible?
If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
My wife walked in on me
After my shower while I was blow drying my dick and balls and asked "What the hell are you doing?" Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not the best answer.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
What is the best place to train your legs?
Squatland yard.
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
What do you call an Egyptian doctor?
A Cairo-practor
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E