What does this even mean? Mammoth good like bad?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
They kill dogs
“robin, get in the batmobile”
Because he always accepts cookies.
The plot thickens
Well, toucan play that game.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Old hobbits die hard.
It was a brief case.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
It was a cereal killer.
No text found
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
Like bro you were there wtf
I guess it’s going to take another few reads before this sinks in.
My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.
Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
I thought to myself… “This sub has gone downhill”.
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
Because they had a fight and 71.
It Hertz my ears.
They run at 100 feet a second
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
At least that's what she said in her diary.
It's pasture bedtime
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
But none of them work.
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.