what even…
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because of their antybodies
I was applying for an Australian citizenship
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years. “Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there? “What, are you lying?” “Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son” Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level. “Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?” Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there. “That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!” Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
I come to this sub when I’m on the toilet.
Just for shits and giggles.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
Just found out I’ve failed my German exam…
Sacre bleu!
What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
I’ve decided I’m dressing in a costume for Christmas. I’m going to wear a fleece jacket, show off pictures of kids and carry a GPS navigation unit. I’m going as……
FLEECE NAVI-DAD Edit: SILVER? Thank you kind redditor!
A guy named Danny walks into a bar…
A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.” A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red. The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar. Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first: When’s the last time you lost The Game?”
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”
She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Peach gobbler.
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital
One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions. As the doctor and visitor pass by a patient's room, they sae a man furiously masturbating. He has no blanket covering him, nor privacy curtain drawn. To the amazement of the visitor, the nurse in the room proceeds to go about checking his vitals and chart as of nothing was out of the ordinary. "My god!" Gasped the visitor "What is that man doing!?" The doctor quickly flipped through his notes. "Oh, you see, this man has an incredibly rare disorder where if he stops masturbating, his heart will explode." "Oh my," said the visitor "that poor man. What a terrible life to lead." With that, they continue down the hall until they happen across another room with the door wide open. The man inside is laying back in bliss while a pretty young nurse is enthusiastically sucking his dick. "Oh my god!" Screams the visitor "What on earth is going on here? This is completely unacceptable!" Once again, the doctor flips through his notes. "Oh. You see, this patient has the same disorder as the last one, but his health insurance is significantly better."
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?
How could anyone stoop so low??
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
I have a pure bread dog
His name is Fidough
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
When I hailed a taxi, the driver started insulting me.
"What was that for?" I asked, shocked. To which he replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. I drive people away."
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.