What even is “Crime”?
MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "Yep," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "Yep againβ, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about thatβ, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" βAt the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again, βwith the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ……. "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
Spicy Marriage
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
I have some old dead batteries if anybody wants them.
They are free of charge.
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony…
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
My wife insisted that I read βPride and Prejudiceβ, but I said no.
Iβm too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
I didnβt understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
I just ate 2000 pounds of Chinese soup
It was Won Ton
Why is βdarkβ spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you canβt C in the dark
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
I was at a party and every one had a cold.
Yo it was sick!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
A close friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrific end, but a lovely finish.
I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.
Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic. … Shouldβve read the terms and conditions. My bad.
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
Dish-orderly conduct.
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you canβt C in the dark.
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
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