What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
What’s the most nerdy dinosaur?
A thesaurus.
How do you say ‘sup dawg’ in Japanese?
Konichihuahua
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water.
Number 1. Number 2.
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects “fuck” to “duck.”
You're still using fowl language.
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
Why do flamingos stand with one leg up?
If both were up, they'd fall down.
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
A new Navy recruit on his first day posted in A Submarine …
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
What do you call a smart fart?
Asstoot.
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am.” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs.
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
A man with a stutter answers an ad for “bible salesman wanted”.
He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more." The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says. "Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "
I wish I was a lost redditor
No text found
I really hate spheres.
They just seem so pointless to me.
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
Why do reddit users hate facebook?
Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.
