What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in…
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark naked
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
Nothing worse than a T section twice the size of the rest of the wiki
Nothing worse than a T section twice the size of the rest of the wiki
Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
I’m Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
My iPhone made an album of when I took my kitten to the hospital and she died last year.
https://ift.tt/2xxrAzi
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
Oldest man on Earth
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world. After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village. The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard. Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?" Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! " Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists… Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life? Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! " Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? " Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine. Gramps: "…….. One day I got lost in the forest….. "
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
