What genre are national anthems?
Country music.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
Why Are Murders So Hard To Solve In The U.S. Deep South?
All the DNA is the same and there are no dental records…
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
This year’s Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge
As big as the previous two combined
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn ~-leaves-
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?
You pull off the ring and then your house is gone
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
Why are Lawyers buried 12 Feet Under?
Deep down they're really good people
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
Polish husband
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions; Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No we have a carport, and not need one. I mean, What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover.
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?
"Use the fork Luke"
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.