What gives people feelings of power (visualized)
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
![The perfect Front-End — Back-End representation I found at this school [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/QLEBy48-400x400.jpg)
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
I tripped over my wife’s bra left on the bedroom floor last night…
Damn boobie traps
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
https://ift.tt/2SKn5cj
r/im14andthisisdeep:
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
Why are IRS employees always tired when they get home?
Their jobs are taxing.
Hey man, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didn’t stop ringing
Why is leather great for sneaking around?
Because it's made of hide!
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)
“No Jews Allowed”
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner: 'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.' Sending a written message, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .' Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.' 'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
The 10th film for The Fast and Furious was just announced
And its called "Fast Ten, Your Seatbelt"
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now I’m not so sure.
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It’s OK though…
I know where to draw the line..
TIL Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
