What grows right under your nose?
Tulips.
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled while on her period?
They said she had a mean flow.
Why isn’t there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought
“I can't turn that down.”
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.
But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.
What did the instructor that was a ghost say to his students?
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?
A girls goes to the doctor
a girl goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I have a black dot next to the pussy and do not know what is" The doctor says: "Do you smoke?" "Yes, why do you ask?" "Quit smoking and returns next week" The following week the girl returns: "The point has become bigger!" The doctor, who does not know what to do, says: "Do you drink alcohol?" "Yes, sometimes" "Then stop drinking and come back next week" A week goes by and the girl returns: "doctor, is still there" The doctor is perplexed: "Are you married?' "Yes, why?" "Come back tomorrow with your husband to see if he knows anything" The next day he returns with the husband, who goes in a work suit and the doctor asks him: "What do you work for?" "I'm a carpenter" "Fuck, then take the pencil out your ear when you eat your wife's pussy"
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
When your trying to discuss school with your dad.
I'm 19 years old and I major in Biology at SDSU. I was talking to my dad at Easter about an essay I'm writing. It is on the extracellular matrix, basically everything in the space between two or more cells, I thought it was going all right until he started laughing at literally nothing. Me: "Whats so funny?" Him: "I have a joke okay?" Me: "Okay?" Him: "What do prisoners study?" Me: "What?" Him: "Cell Walls." Basically thats my life.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room
They said: 'Thank you.' I said: 'Don't mention it.'
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing….
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My Dad says I hammer like lightning!
I never strike in the same place twice.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches. The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out. The next night, the bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches. The bartender thinks, "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard last night." He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out. Third night in a row, the bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches. The bartender is fuming and grins sardonically, "What, no drink for ME tonight?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink."
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
College Classes
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
Family friendly, short comedy skits. Hope you enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdyvNZPJZJucPl3l_p191g5IXemEtpOfg
