What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
My rich friend hired a one-armed butler, and is now regretting it.
Serves him right.
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
Circumcised people get their foreskin….
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What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
Kidnapping Congress
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"
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My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
Which body part dies last ?
The eyes, because they dilate.
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary
If Wonder Woman walks around aimlessly, she is
Wander Woman.
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away, he asks the third kid "are you also wanting $1 of jelly beans?" The kid says "no." So he puts the ladder away again, hands the jelly beans to the second kid, and turns to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?" The third kid says "I'll have $1.50 of jelly beans, please."
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.