What happened to the kid who tried to catch fog?
Mist.
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people. Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea). However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home. We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as Iād never driven a bus before and Iām not even sure where I got it from.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
Why did the DJ go to the farmers’ market?
To get some fresh beets.
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she saidā¦
"Well honey, you can't do both."
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental – twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, āSee that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.ā
I said, "By the looks of it, heās still fucking celebrating!ā
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship…
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
My teacher said I wouldnāt be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
Breathe in and breathe out everything happens for a good reason
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname āMr. Compromise.ā
It wasnāt my first choice, but Iām ok with it.
Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?
He was on stage one day and said "Uno…dos…" and then he disappeared without a tres.
YOUāRE NOT MY REAL LADDER!
https://ift.tt/2OsA7YW
Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship?
They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, āNo one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, āMy wife told me to stand here.ā
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
A soldier ran up to a nun
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied: "He went that way." After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq." The nun said: "I understand completely." The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don't want to go to Iraq either!
I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner. "Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse – good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse – mostly good for companionship." "That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
A chemist froze himself at -273Ā°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
[nsfw] some parents find their teenagerās browser history
Itās full of s&m porn. Mom says: well what are we going to do? Dad says: what do you mean? Mom says: well.. we canāt spank him.
Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle…
…with 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and let's him cross the border. A week later the same thing happened. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his through examination and discovers that the bag contains nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on bycycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling." Juan sips his corona and says, "Bicycles."
If you drop a plate of roasted pork…
…are you still considered ham-fisted?
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparentsā house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: āHe had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.ā Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. āOh no, my dearā replies granny. āMany years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ringā. āIt was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.ā She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, āHeād still be alive if the ice cream truck hadnāt come along.ā
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
My wife said āYou have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiotā¦ā
It was a third degree burn
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."