What happened to the wooden car with the wooden engine and the wooden wheels?
It wooden go
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
If someone asks you to spell part backwards. Don’t
It's a trap.
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,
"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
I couldn’t believe my friend when he said he sterile…
I said, "no kidding?!"
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now Iโm their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
I bought a dictionary and all the pages were blank
I have no words for how angry I am.
Did you hear about the guy who flew so close to the sun that he touched it at exactly one point?
He was a real tan gent.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
Went on a date to an ice skating rink.
So I fell over and grabbed my knee pretending that I was in pain, trying to get the sympathy of my date. Instead she just stood there, cringing. As did everyone else in the reception area…
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
I donโt just play soccer cause I like the sport.
Iโm just in it for kicks.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
I bought myself a first aid kit today.
I thought I would Treat myself.
Most puns make me feel numb.
Math posts make me feel number.
I like telling Dad jokes
Sometimes, he laughs!
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
Dolphins don’t have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist