What happens when a fat woman from Yorkshire sits on a bench?
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
We ended up getting into a row.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says:
"you've got a drink named Eugene?"
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
He didn’t habanero
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!" "Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a…" the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!" "I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a damn tool when I needed to borrow one!" I found this and knew I had to post
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
Me trying to sound intelligent: " Well, China is 3.7 million square miles. "
A four-chin teller.
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself. The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door. "Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
I mean… how low can you get!
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
He cuts holes in his pockets.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
She looked surprised.
Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings. He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police. "I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?" To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
Crimes against piece
Trouble is, none of them work.
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him? Dad: He was named in 1706.
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!