What happens when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you won’t)
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
I relabeled all the jars in my mom’s spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”
“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
I asked the Wal-Mart worker where I could find the nuts.
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
One day a woman had 100 children…
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He is disqualified
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is stable now.
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
A driving teacher asks his student “There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?”
Student: "My wife" DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
The zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210. This zip code for Dawson’s Creek is 90108…
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
MLM guy doesnt realize that 10trillion isnt worth dick due to hyperinflation.
https://ift.tt/337k0Gk
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
