What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… It’s Humerus.
I met Tom Hanks today!
I asked for his autograph, but all he wrote was ‘thanks’…
Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.
The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.
My son just asked me, “Can we pick my friend up?”
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night.
Not Happy.
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
