What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
Sting has disappeared, The Police have no lead
No text found
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
How do you rescusitate a sheep?
You give it Sheep PR
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil?
After getting dating advice from a Redditor.
Today I got gas for $1.49!
..At Taco Bell.
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
I didn’t realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner
My wife and kids HATED her!
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
I just saw my first porno…
And damn I looked good back then.
A black boy walks into the kitchen…
…where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?
He lost the other in Nom.
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
I have so many jokes about Unemployed people
But sadly none of them work.
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..
A classic in honor of my cake day! John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break" "I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.