What has 2 legs but cannot walk, two wings but cannot fly, 2 eyes but cannot see?
A dead bird.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
this pussy coxblocked me
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
My Papa and his political shirts again!
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
I tripped in France
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
Haha genitalia humour
mOdErN aRt BaD
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
I’m not sure if this has been posted before
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
translation: sorry we ran out of gloves
Trump walks into a bar
and lowers it
What’s up, Steve?
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Anyone got this problem?
Problem exists between keyboard and chair
Happy New Year
Winner Becomes Next President
Wind power bad. Climate change good.
God i told you GEORGE
A front end developer eats alone because he doesn’t know how to join tables
I recently broke up with my ex. She hated how bad at directions I am.
So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
What is your first expression?
Thought this fit here
Wife’s saggy boobs funny
Who wants to bet tRump will unveil his own portrait before he leaves office…
Making America great!
He’s not wrong!
I used to hate facial hair.
But then it grew on me.
How Google Chrome Uses RAM
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God". Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
Thank you, very cool
Full-stack developer means
Haha sex noise
What’s the opposite of a waterfall?
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
Our big orange baby,
Unfortunately it’s true.
Why is it called the Dark Age?
Because of all the Knights.
There are to many of them
I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
Did you get that?
And none was learned
gotta keep trying
A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.
They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?’ The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says… . . . . . . . . . "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
Hardwork didn’t pay off…
How long has this person been using a sun shield this way?
Japanese Banking Crisis
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… “Donald , duck!”
Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to…" Prostitute: "c'mon man…. give it a try… " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to…." "…pay you" replied the old man.
People ask me why I’m so nervous around trees, and I always have the same answer
“They just seem really shady.”
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.