What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
The Star Wars series is coming out with a female villain
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale… Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
“Dad, what are condoms for?”
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
“Dad, do all European countries drive on the right?”
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
How come 11 ants couldn’t park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
I’m debating whether to write “YES” on my left hand and “NO” on my right hand.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook,
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."