What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
But her aim is getting better
No more jokes about the profit.
She'll be able to use the force to raise and lower things. Her name will be Ella Vader
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale… Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, “I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner…”
"…has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
Looks like reindeer!!
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
My thoughts are with his family!
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
Because parking is for ten ants only!
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
Because they have little anty bodies
Because they're calf price
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
He pasta way
Yes, it happens
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."