What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
Women love a man brimming with confidence.
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
A farmer has three daughters and each of them have dates
The farmer, being skeptical of their dates decides to meet them first. If he didn’t like them, he would give them the business end of his shotgun. The first date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” The farmer liked him and let him go. The second date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We are going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?” The farmer liked him and he let him go. The third date shows up and knocks on the front door. He says, “Hi I’m Chuck “ and the farmer shot him.
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
Want to hear a clean joke
Window cleaner
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
https://ift.tt/35Jd7fO
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a Virgin”.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband no. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband no. 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband no. 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband no. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it… "Husband no. 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband no. 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband no. 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it….. God I miss him. "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT" – this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?
They'll get over it.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
https://ift.tt/2LQWyWW
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
Dad! Why do my friends in Europe call me Kilometers?
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
Our friend Chuck hasn’t contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
Because long time no C.
I used to date my english teacher
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
I wrote an apology in morse code
I call it the remorse code
A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look. A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape. "Is that… is that… that can't be…" The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back. After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill. The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label. "Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."
