What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I know a great knock-knock joke, but you need to start it.
You: Ok, knock knock Me: Who's there? You: …? Me: 😃
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
What do you call an Emo A capella group?
Self Harmony
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.
I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.
Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
It’s so sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as …
A pack of feral hogs
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
Do cats stutter?
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff'….And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
I have to tell someone about this because I’m at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they’re to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!…..IT WAS TRIX!
Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
I wasn’t sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again…
Stranger Things have happened.
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
Feeling a need for change, I got a new lamp
Really helped me see things in a different light
I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
She got sick of me.
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled… "SUPPLIES!!"
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who can’t
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.
A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. “Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. “Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?” “No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. “Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”