What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
My wife caught me peeing in the shower, and the people at Lowe's are still mad about it.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”
To see the battle.
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
Because of all the knights.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
But I laugh more.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
The results came completely out of the purple…
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
As if any of us still have jobs
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
It got so bad he went baroque!
Because they make the toys.
They eventually would.
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
They always seem sketchy.
are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of." Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been three times. I wish I could be taken seriously as an actor." They think about it for a few minutes, and Stallone says, "We should do a serious film. A historical." Arnold grins his huge toothy grin, immediately warming to the idea. "A period piece. That's a great way for our acting comebacks to be taken seriously." Stallone, as the film auteur, keeps working on it. "We want people to be emotionally affected by it. Music really moves people. Can we do something about music?" Schwarzenegger agrees. "We could do classical music. You're Italian; you could play an Italian composer." Sylvester says, "I'll play Vivaldi!" Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
But I couldn't catch them all
. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him. He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his local pharmacy to buy some condoms. But, since it was his first time, he didn't know what kind to buy, so he asked the pharmacist for help. The pharmacist spent a good hour discussing the different types of condoms, what they do, etc. He then asked the boy what his choice was. To which the boy responded, "Well, since it's my first time, I'm try the family pack." The pharmacist rang it up for him, and the boy left, excited. Finally, the big night arrived. The boy was very nervous, but he was determined to make a good impression on the girl's parents. Everyone sat down for dinner, and the mother said, "Let us bow our heads and thank the good Lord for this meal." Everyone bowed their heads and said grace. When they were finished, everyone looked up . . . except the boy. He continued to bow his head and mumble in prayer. After a solid twenty minutes, the girl tapped him on the leg and whispered, "I never knew you were so religious." The boy whispered back, "I never knew your father was a pharmacist!"
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.