What have they done to you, Garfield?
Did you know
You can hear the blood in your veins. If you listen… varicosely
What starts with “W”.
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Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
I’m not very good at dad jokes, but here goes nothing
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A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
Son: “Dad I know you’re an English teacher, but can I ask you the date in Roman Numerals?”
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
The rotation of the earth makes my day
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I didn’t know why the baseball was getting bigger.
And then it hit me!
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?
You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.
Have you heard of atheism?
It’s a non-prophet organization
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
Training for dad level jokes.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
Two Gay men are on a long overnight flight.
One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?" The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!" The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex. A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't you ask for a vomit bag?" To which the old man replied "Well the last guy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass"
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.
The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"
My son, starting a conversation: You know, Dad…
Me: Of course I know him. He's me.
A girl goes to a Chruch to confess
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" (after a few minutes) Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!" Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
(: ¡¡ʇɥƃᴉN pooפ
Love, Australia.
Thats what happens when you follow Dr. Trump’s shady medical advice. You slightly croak.
https://ift.tt/3dralA7
I really hope coronavirus can’t spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.