What have they ruined now? *Checks notes* Shitty motorcycles!
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
Why are blinks called “blinks”?
Because their "bi-winks".
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
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What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road…
rolls around in the dirt and cross back? A dirty double crosser.
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
My asshole neighbour came and rang my doorbell at 3am this morning….
Luckily I was still up playing my drums
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Why can’t you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
Kid: what does a condom do?
Dad: nothing, apparently.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist
It's called Facebook
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
