What he said
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… Wait a sec, only 21 years ago, in the USA.
https://ift.tt/348RRPF
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
THE salesman story.
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.โ
Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s brain…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, โMy boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.โ The second girl says, โHa, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.โ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I’m too ‘controlling’.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, โWhat are all those clocks?โ St. Peter answered, โThose are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.โ โOh,โ said the man, โwhose clock is that?โ โThatโs Mother Teresaโs. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.โ โIncredible,โ said the man. โAnd whose clock is that one?โ St. Peter responded, โThatโs Abraham Lincolnโs clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.โ โWhereโs President Trump clock?โ asked the man. โTrump's clock is in Jesusโ office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.โ
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesnโt know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesnโt know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
My wifeโs dog died. Soto cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. …
She was furious. โWhat am I going to do with two dead dogs?โ she said.
A professional limbo player walks into a bar,
He was disqualified
I tripped in France
Eiffel over.
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
Called my friend.
I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you." Friend: "Ok shoot" Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno what?" Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up? Friend: I dunno what? Click
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
A blacksmith finishes making a few horseshoes and leaves them on an anvil.
The blacksmith returns to the forge as a cowboy walks into the shop and picks one up only to put it back down immediately. "Hot ain't they?" the blacksmith asks. The cowboy replies, "Nope. It just don't take me too long to look at horseshoes."
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
Iโll never forget my granddadโs last words to me just before he diedโฆ
โAre you still holding the ladder!?โ
How do you get your wife to notice you?
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…
In one ear, out the other.
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
Today my son asked for a book mark, I burst into tears
Heโs 11 and still doesnโt know my name is Brian
Anal Deodorant
A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter "Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?" The assistant looks confused and says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think we stock that". "Are you sure?" he says, "I'm nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here". "I've never seen any" she says, "but I'll ask my manager". The manager comes to the counter and says "Hello, just making sure I understand what you're wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?" "Yes" the man replies, "I've bought it from here before and I'd like some more please." "OK" says the manager, "I've worked here for over 10 years and I'm sure we've never sold anal deodorant." "But I've bought it from here before!" the man protested, "tell you what, I'll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you." The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, "Look!" he says smugly, "here's the last anal deodorant I bought from here!" The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully and replies, "I'm sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant." "Not at all!" the man says, "look on the back, it clearly says: Take off cap and push up bottom."
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are