What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?
Spine
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
When two ginger people conceive a child…
the child could technically be considered ginger-bred.
A husband and wife were fighting.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Spent over an hour at the wife’s grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Son: Hey dad why won’t this screw go in
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
My wife yelled at me, “You’re not even listening, are you?!”
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
Who do you call when you break your toe?
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.
All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognise me by my face."
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Bringing chewing gum to school is like bringing guns to school:
everyone starts acting like you've been best friends since 1st grade once they see what you have.
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…
"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
What’s the biggest moth in the world?
A mammoth.