What if other businesses were run like U.S. healthcare
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
How does a Jewish man make coffee?
Hebrews it.
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming… that was me"
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?
His name was Rick O'Shea
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock on the door.
A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."
What’s the difference between the worst political party and my penis?
One of them is left leaning, and the other one is right leaning.
Punguins
/r/puns/comments/gm62au/heard_of_the_extinct_species_that_used_to_cohabit/
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
