What if Trump was trans
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity killed them all
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery
It was a joint operation
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel…
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian. Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian." The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down, "that's funny…"
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…
But then you realise it’s the only worthwhile thing you can do as a CS major.
https://ift.tt/2rLQp7v
A nun goes to the priest and says “father, there’s a hole in the roof of your church.”
"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church." The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
I should have listened to my grandfather…
— what did he say? — I don't know. I didn't listen.
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something
Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
Do you know why I don’t do threesomes?
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
