What if we put all of the major Norse war deities in a list from least to most powerful?
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
![[META] Boomer comic page my aunt always shares is now just straight up using this subreddit for content](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/u0qxo3esld741-400x376.jpg)
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
Why isn’t there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
And the winner for best neckwear goes to…
Well, would you look at that. It’s a tie.
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones…
… but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooo!!
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing….
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning. Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!" The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?" He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."
A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”
So I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
When I was in college, I was rejected by all fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently you needed to be a complete dick.
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
there would be mass confusion.
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
