What if we put all of the major Norse war deities in a list from least to most powerful?
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th.
But that’s another storey.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
I’m going to rewrite history
History
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
What’s the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
Why do the french only use one egg when baking a cake?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery…
I’ve had it right up to here with them!
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
Strap in for a long one…
So there's this boy, he's 7 years old, and he has a real passion for tractors. He tells everyone when he grows up, he wants to work at JCB building tractors. His bedroom walls are covered in John Deere posters. He spends hours and hours watching farmers tend to their fields with he equipment he holds in such high regard. When he watches TV it's about tractors. It's all he thinks about, all he talks about and all he's ever dreamed of. His 8th birthday is coming up and his Dad asks him. "Son, what would you like for your birthday?" The boy doesn't hesitate. "All I want for my birthday is a tractor ride." Dad ruffles his hair and says "Son. I'll see what I can do" Sure enough, the boy's 8th birthday rolls around. Dad straps him into the car and tells the boy he's a surprise for him. They arrive some minutes later at a farm. This is when the boy twigs. As the boy had expected, the farmer comes out and exclaims "Boy, do I have a surprise for you!". He leads him to the tractor, jumps in and sits the boy on his lap. He sets off on the journey the little man had always dreamed of. After some time, the Farmer asks "Hey birthday boy, wanna drive?". The boy is stunned, he has reached the pinnacle, life cannot possibly get better. So he's driving along, living the dream. Out of nowhere a little girl runs out in front of the tractor. Disaster. He strikes the girl with a sickening crack. The scene is devastating. The boy is stunned. When he gets home, he tears all his posters off the wall. Disavows tractors, farmers, farms, the lot. He spends whole days crying. He swears never to think about tractors again. Fast forward some years and he's a young man, on his way home from work when he comes across a burning building. He sees the firefighters struggling. He breaths out deeply and inhales so vigorously that he sucks all the oxygen away, starving the flame, saving the day. The firefighters ask "hey, how did you do that" He turns to them and replies. "I'm an Extractor Fan."
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
What was Matthew McConaughey’s least favourite part of Interstellar?
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
But no, it only made him more sluggish.
FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time
Your body takes a screenshot
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear
is sphere itself
So china is making phones without Google apps now
Guess it was always my way or the huawei i'm so sorry, I tried
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
Seriously, why must most these things always suck? Especially Netflix and Max
There’s love without sex and there’s sex without love…
Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines