What if?
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, โEighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-old man. "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, they both ask: "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I donโt wake up until 7:00."
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
What did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up!
"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
Whatโs heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Extension chords
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral…
…were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said โ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.โ He calls a sailor over and says โJump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back upโ. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says โ That gentleman is courage" The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says โ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says โ That gentleman is courage" The British admiral says โ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says โI want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says โYou can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says โ And that gentleman is courage"
I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said: โThank you.โ
I said: โPlease donโt mention it.โ
A man in an interrogation room says โIโm not saying a word without my lawyer present.โ
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so whereโs my present?
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
I like telling dad jokes
He laughs at them sometimes
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
I hope someone woke up Green Day
No text found
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
Itโs okay if you have no idea what โprefixโ means.
Itโs not the end of the word.
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
National Dad Conference
Speaker: โI'm glad you could all make itโ Whole crowd: in unison โHi glad you could all make it, We're dadโ Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay
They arrested me
I wanted to tell a cashier joke.
But I didn't think it would register.