What in crustacean?
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
First visit to America as German guy!
I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by. She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!" I shouted back "DANKE!"
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
Why won’t the dog listen to the farmer’s sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree. The couple accepts gladly the procedure. The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear. But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level. The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting. At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good. Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges,
Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
hope this hasnt been posted already, but here goes
what did the buffalo say to his son when he left? bi-son
Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks!
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that? " she demanded. Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836. At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
Urgent Ticket! Feature not working! Client is not happy, put a developer on this right now!
https://ift.tt/2sm0b0N
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
Most people think that the word “Queue” is just the letter “Q” followed by four silent letters. But they are not silent.
They are just waiting their turn.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Why didnt 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
