What in the fuck
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school
I lost My Chemical Romance
A proud mom gave birth to twins that she named Juan and Amal.
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
Nice new car son.. What’s that thing on the trunk?
No text found
My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a bunch of clothes she just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
I’ve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th? French guy: Cinq.
Oh Grandpa
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question, “What is sex…?” He was surprised she’d ask such a question at her age, but thought if she’s old enough to ask, she’s old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn’t shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation. When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, “Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.”
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him: "Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?" The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
My 77 year old dad said this last night
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed" Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I realized I’m not great in manipulating people.
I’m more of a so-sopath.
Don’t kiss after midnight
It's not proper to kiss on a first date!