What in the…?
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
“Dad, I want to be a history major!”
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
If i had a dime for every time i didn’t understand what’s going on.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
I finally got myself a girlfriend!
I wish I could post this in another subreddit…
What’s my blod type?
Typo
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?
She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested….
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God…
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
No I don’t want to play who can act like a cat the longest….
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
Children in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause children.