What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
Caberneigh…
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
There was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “There is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “Two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don't know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?”
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
I found r/atheism the other day
Still can't believe it
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.
The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"
A couple ask their doctor to watch them have sex.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
Mycoxaflopin
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.
Looks like she is preparing some kind of barbie queue.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
Bad knock-knock joke #4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Amish. Amish who? You're not a shoe, you freaking idiot.
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens!
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
No text found
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus
They’re really good carriers
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
What do you call an orange with a telescope?
A satzoomer.
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
A man’s fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
My aunt shared this on Facebook, as a gen z I must say that this is boomer af.
https://ift.tt/36qzF4s
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…
We are from the south so things are going good.
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
