What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" He says. The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
A lemonade seller and the businessman.
A lemonade seller was standing in the hot sun selling lemonade. A customer, who is a businessman approached him and asked him the prices. "$3 for a full glass, $30 for 5 empty ones." Astonished, the businessman asks him, "What is that supposed to mean?" The seller remained silent. After giving it a thought for a while, the customer bought 5 full glasses of lemonade, giving the seller $15 (3ร5). He drank all of them quickly and showed the seller 5 empty glasses, "I got 5 empty glasses only for $15, though the cost is $30. You see, what dirty tricks we businessmen are capable of!" The poor lemonade seller says, "Sir, I am an entrepreneur. You see I made you buy 5 glasses for no reason at all?" Edit : Ignore bad grammar please.
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him โI donโt. But i guana learn somedayโ
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
Itโs parents were in a jam.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
Theyโre his watch dogs!
What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them. I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what Iโm trying to say is that Iโm pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
What type of shoes do pedophiles wear?
White vans
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt
I told her she was just pulling my leg.
When is a dad joke mature?
When it's full groan.
I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
When the documentation you are reading refers you to the documentation of another library
https://ift.tt/3cbyDNI
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flameโฆ
โฆit smells like burnt nose hair?
Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory?
God rest their soles.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I havenโt heard from him since.
What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?
If you pull the ring, your house is gone.
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
To see a chicken strip.
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, โWell, they were separated at birth.โ
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs