# What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?

Royalty free music

## Why did the dolphin delete the universe? Because:

(The punchline was removed from the universe)

## A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease.

I should’ve known it was a Leper-con.

## Never have a pillow fight with Death.

Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.

## On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly. “I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.” His new bride pondered this for a moment and said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.” “No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”

## A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, “we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we’ll see when you come back.”

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there. The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere. The third guy doesn't go anywhere. 6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites. The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived. It cost me $400k but it was well worth it and is only a drop in the bucket to me." The third guy who didn't go anywhere walks around the woman once, stops in front of her and takes hold of the woman's hands, "I've just traveled around the whole world, because you are my whole world." Upon hearing this, the woman became emotional and with tears of happiness running down her face , she says, "That is by far the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. “ After this man spoke such sweet words. She was finally ready to make her the obvious choice… She then choice the second guy, the one with the most money.

## What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?

"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."

## I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number

When it's clearly a word!

## My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts…

Now she’s a medium.

## What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes

## My friend said she didn’t understand how cloning worked

"That makes two of us"

## I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.

Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.

## My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…

“If I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"

## Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog

## I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…

He said only thyme would tell.

## My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants

Turns out she was only with me for my mussels

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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PornMaki Pornid Inxporn TopFreePornVideos Slutload ProPorn FakePorn Pornhost HandjobHub Vpornvideos MyXVids Pornicom DansMovies Wetplace AdultFreex Wankflix 88fuck Fapdu Rude FreudBox AdultInc PornHeed HdPorn Orgasm PornRabbit MadThumbs Fux Eroxia DeviantClip Xxvids H2porn ApeTube MetaPorn YourLustMovies ElephantTube Long PornerBros Tubegalore 3movs Ass-Time HQButt BangBus BangBros Ghetto tube RedTube BrickHouseButts GhettoGaggers GloryHole Xvideos PornHub Xtube Ass parade Brazzers xHamster XNXX YouPorn YouJizz TastyBlacks HClips TnaFlix Tube8 Spankbang DrTuber Spankwire KeezMovies Nuvid SunPorno BravoTube PornHD Eporner SexVid XXXBunker TheNewPorn Mofosex… PornDreamer X18 Xbabe UpdateTube BeFuck Hdmovz PornRox PornMaki Pornid Inxporn TopFreePornVideos Slutload ProPorn FakePorn Pornhost HandjobHub Vpornvideos MyXVids Pornicom DansMovies Wetplace AdultFreex Wankflix 88fuck Fapdu Rude FreudBox AdultInc PornHeed HdPorn Orgasm PornRabbit MadThumbs Fux Eroxia DeviantClip Xxvids H2porn 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r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

## I electrocuted myself this morning.

Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.

## An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.

“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him. “No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”

## I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

## On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife…

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

## A lot of conflict in the Wild West….

….could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

## My approximately 6 year old cousin told me this joke

Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: who’s there Him: you forgot me already??

## For a good time go bowling

A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.

## How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?

About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.

## Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!

Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!

## Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?

In charge of the schedule Yoda was.

## An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".

## I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

## I could never date a single mum.

Because then they wouldn't be single.

## A blacksmith finishes making a few horseshoes and leaves them on an anvil.

The blacksmith returns to the forge as a cowboy walks into the shop and picks one up only to put it back down immediately. "Hot ain't they?" the blacksmith asks. The cowboy replies, "Nope. It just don't take me too long to look at horseshoes."

## My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe

I said its Narnia buisness

## How much time do you have to fix your parachute?

The rest of your life.

## What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?

The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.

## What is the difference between a cult and a religion?

In a cult, there is a person that knows that all of it is bullshit but in a religion, that person is long dead.

## Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.

The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons are, while the fourth is using the bathroom. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a car dealership and just gave his best friend a Ferrari. Guy 2: That's nothing, my son owns an airliner company and just gave his best friend a jet. Guy 3: Well my son is more successful than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a mansion Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys. Guy 4: Hey guys, what are we talking about? Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are. Guy 4:Well, my son is a gay stripper. Guy 2: You must be so disappointed with what he's done with his life. Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a mansion from his three boyfriends.